The Truth Behind the Smile

This blog is gonna be a little honest. I'm actually kind of afraid to type all I've been thinking and publish it because of the feedback it may receive, but here goes. Before I get started, be aware of the fact that I'm not seeking attention through this. I'm writing all of this to say to the girl who's so insecure, you're not the only one. Maybe some of you are saying "Tatum, insecure?". Trust me no one gets it because I seem "so happy". It's not just insecurity though, it's that feeling of never being good enough. Please take the time to read this if you feel that way. Even if you don't struggle with that problem, please still take the time to understand someone that does. 

     I haven't always been this way. I guess you could say it started with being told that the way I talk was funny. Seems small to you, right? Not to me. It didn't help that I was laughed at, but the people saying it didn't see that side of things. The side where I went to my room and cried because I have a small lisp. Maybe I do, it's okay. I've never liked the way I talk, but until then no one really pointed it out. Since then all I do is sit and pick out everything I hate about myself. Some days I feel like I'm a little beautiful, but that's when I put all the makeup on. Moving on. I found out last year that I was cheated on. It didn't help that I was planning my life with this guy. Daddy says the love we feel isn't the real love. It's just what we say because we have strong feelings. I believe that, but I had really, really, strong feelings for him. Very strong. So, I let it go. But, that didn't exactly help my confidence level shoot sky high. I felt unwanted and so ugly. I would sit and look at her Instagram and tell myself I don't blame him for cheating. She has so much more to offer than I ever will. During the next six months life went pretty good. I still cried, but you have to hide that part so no ones thinks you're crazy. Stupid me for taking him back. You know reading your Bible works, but not if your heart isn't in it. I have to tell myself that EVERYDAY, because that's my biggest problem. Besides talking to God about it, I don't think I've told anybody about this "side" of my story. Maybe that I'm insecure, but nothing more. Ready to hear the rest? 

     Fast forward six months. It was a beautiful Saturday, but little did I know what was coming. I found out I had been cheated on again. I'm not gonna go into any detail because the guy still means a lot to me and he doesn't deserve that. He's changed, I really believe that. But me, I'm hurt. I'm broken. I feel empty, ugly, unloved. For all the people asking what's been wrong with me for the past month or two thinking it's the breakup, it's not. I wake up everyday and feel left out. I feel like I'm not good enough because of all the mistakes I made. The way I treated people in my past. Karma doesn't play fair. I said I was I was gonna be honest didn't I...It started a few months ago when the suicidal thoughts came into play. I would get in bed at night and hold my breath until I almost gave out. I couldn't do it though. I thought about just getting a gun and pulling the trigger. That seemed like the easiest way to go. It wouldn't cause much pain. I even thought about getting a razor blade and just cutting. The suicidal thoughts still haven't stopped. They're constant, everyday. I can't write this without crying. But what keeps me alive is the fact that I know that's not how God wants me to come home. I wrote this blog to let everyone know that no matter how happy someone seems, you don't know what may be going on in their life. Yeah, people SAY that, but they don't really consider it. Be careful what you say to people. Be careful of how you treat them. BE CAREFUL. You could be the reason they give it up because they "don't deserve" to be alive. 

     Kinda crazy that I got done writing this, and went to Instagram to see a post that I really needed. It said "Someone can only make you feel worthless, ugly, or "not good enough" if we allow them. Don't allow their opinions to define you, your worth is in Christ." I don't have the words for how amazing it was that God showed me that after writing this. So that's my story. You can say I'm seeking sympathy or whatever you want, but this is real life. Real feelings. Me being honest. Go to school and take up with someone who seems left out. It's not fun to feel left out, I promise. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Show kindness and share the love that God has to offer. I'm always open to talking if anyone needs it! Email me @ TatumChavis@gmail.com or DM me on instagram @ td_chavis. Don't give up, there's HOPE!